So I finally decided that enough is enough, I can’t hide my head in the sand and its sinking quick. I was aware that my debt in total was creeping over £20k and with a college course I was desperate to do, I knew that figure wasn’t getting any smaller.

In the long run I know that I will be fine, once I qualify next year I can be earning heaps more and so paying debt off will get easier and easier. But in the meantime, keeping up with card payments, a social life, with appearances in general has slowly taken its toll on me in every way over the last few years. It’s not fun crying yourself to sleep two days after payday when you have worked out you literally have less than £100 to live on for the remainder of the month, nor the feeling you get in your stomach when you have taken £50 plus out on your plastic ‘friend’. Its equally depressing to find yourself at the age of 27 where all your mates are getting their own places, having wonderful holidays and buying clothes all the time and you can’t. I haven’t bought a new pair of shoes in 6 months, and most of my clothes come from sample sales at work (good job I work at a leading fashion retailer!). It’s a lonely place too, you feel so embarrassed by it and I personally judge myself on it so think everyone else does too. But this sort of mentality has got me nowhere so that was the first thing to get fixed.

I came across Heather Allen at an Exhibition I attended a couple of months ago. Nice lady, got herself out of a skinful, and seemed to know her stuff. She offered some time to help me at her home in Oxford. After spending a few hours with her that day I decided that this problem of mine is in my mind and is not forever, this in itself helped. So we had a plan of what I was moving where. I made some applications and sadly in time was notified that I had not been successful. This was devastating news to me and brought right back down into the sea of debt-despair. I then made some independent enquiries and discovered that if you are not listed at your address on the electoral roll then you will instantly get refused credit no questions asked. So, I contacted the council and have sorted that out and due to being declined a few times I am having to wait for my credit scoring to be semi-decent again before I get back into the 0% game.

My last visit to see Heather was The One. The One that I cried and blurted out how scared and lonely I was feeling about it. How I hated being on my own and facing myself and this problem. How I didn’t see this coming when I was little and was afraid for the future and how I really couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Heather was supportive and helped me decide on getting some help from friends - good friends. The sort of friends that you would get out of bed for if they needed help. So that’s what I did and am doing.

So there are two sides - the practical and the emotional impact this situation has on a person. The practical being how much do I owe, where, what are the %’s and what is the plan. That bit is fine. I know whats happening. But first, back to basics. Why don’t they teach you in school about budgeting and borrowing? I have finally enlisted the help of two very good friends who are now the owners of my banks cards and are giving me a weekly budget to live on! The aim this month, get to payday with £20 in credit in my account to pay off a little extra off that ‘First-Card-To-Go’. Just to get through one month without hitting on a card for any reason is my first goal! Next month, getting better at budgeting and having even more to pay off that card. It’s the emotional side that is harder to get to grips with.

So I recently decided that I needed a new and fresh way of seeing things. So I asked myself a question. If I could have been prepared for this situation, for example, if I had just landed into my life with this problem, knowing its my problem to sort out, what internal resources would I need to be successful? The answer surprised me, I realised that I needed to be independent and open minded in my thinking, detaching from social pressures and looking ahead towards the goal, I also needed to be focused and emotionally intelligent. Plus, I needed to see it for what it is and not what its implication has been on me in other words, getting rid of the “poor me” syndrome. Its tough and I dip in and out of the negative zone but it feels better to just see it as something I have to deal with right now but also remembering what skills, gifts and talents I have too. The biggest thing I think about is people who are terminally ill, they would probably take double my credit in order to be healthy again, so its only money. I have my health, humour and loads more. I just need to have some patience too! So to summarise, I am rolling the past up and leaving it all there. Heather said one thing that has stuck with me since the last time we met and that is my parents were holding the reins but now I am.

So, for the purpose of this Blog. Where am I now?

November - Get to end of and pay extra off a card. This has been ok so far, quite enjoying it in some weird way. I suppose I finally feel like I am doing something about it, so maybe this is going to have a positive psychological impact on me. Its only the 10th so lets see. Update soon.

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